Emotional Health Archives

The Rug Analyst (For The Griever)

by Tammera Mart | Jan 31, 2024 | Emotional Health, Grief-Grieving, Uncategorized

The Rug Analyst for the griever shows how we can successfully navigate emotional pain when the rug has been pulled out from under us.

Have you ever had the rug pulled out from under you?

First you react…a deep gasp, then every muscle in your body clamps. Your acuity for danger sharpens as your feet fly in the air. You brace for the impact. When you hit the floor, the air whooshes from your lungs.

You lie still as reality spins. “What just happened?”

From here, you have two choices.

Get up. Stay down.

A few of us may stay down and contemplate never rising.

Some of us will hop to our feet immediately, straighten our backs, and push forward.

Most of us will struggle to our feet. After the fog in our brain clears, we’ll stumble along until we get our footing.

In every scenario there is pain. Grief is the emotional pain associated with a loss or change of any kind. At some point, to emotionally heal, we must walk through that pain, experience it, and make sense of it.

We will likely never be the same, but sometimes change is good. Right?

The Hidden Gem

Embedded within the fall is a hidden gem.

If we can subjectively analyze what just happened, we have an opportunity for personal growth.

In his bestselling book, The Happiness Advantage (Crown Publishing Group 2010), Shawn Achor cites a study that shows how people who draw upon the following four factors often achieve profound positive growth. They use these tools to push forward as they navigate the path of adversity. This is called Adversarial Growth or Post Traumatic Growth.

Four Rug Analyzing Tools:

Positive Reinterpretation Of the Situation Or Event

No doubt, if you’re grieving, you are trudging through difficult times. But what are some potential benefits? Possibly growing in a way that makes you more seasoned and wise. Maybe you’ll acquire the skills needed to help someone later in life, or you’ll gain emotional tool that help you navigate future hardships. Maybe this ordeal will make you a better, more attentive family member. Thinking over these ideas can help in broadening or obtaining new perspective.

Optimism

Guard your heart and mind. Constant negativity is a dark tunnel with no end that only brings more physical and emotional pain. Nurturing a positive outlook can be exhausting but well worth the long-term benefits.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8, NKJ.

Allow your mind to form the image of something lovely. It’s okay to be optimistic. Give yourself permission.

There are times when depression or life circumstances won’t allow us to think positively or be optimistic. If you find yourself in this situation, the additional support of counseling may be necessary.

Acceptance

I’m not a huge fan of this word. Acceptance carries the notion that we’re “okay” with what happened to us. We don’t have to ever be okay with the change or loss that occurred in our lives, but we do have to acknowledge it happened. Talking to someone, giving voice to the emotional pain, offers perspective and helps us take that next step forward.

Meet the issue head-on (rather than sweeping it under the rug)

The mind whirls when receiving personal tragic news. A death, an illness, job loss, divorce, rejection. The mind grapples, consumed by an unknown future. Standing on two feet is difficult. Confronting your loss/change, telling yourself the truth about a situation is courage of the greatest kind. Doing so will propel you forward in the right direction, and that brings healing.

If you’ve experienced a recent loss or significant change, I’m truly sorry for what you’re facing. But I am confident that as you apply these principles and regain your footing, you will grow in ways you never imagined.

Gratitude

The secret to staying on your feet is gratitude. What can you be grateful for today? When your legs wobble and taking one more step seems impossible, make yourself write down all that you’re grateful for.

Clinging to God (who makes order of the universe) with gratitude is right where we need to be when all else fails. Do this and I promise each step will become a little easier. You have so much to offer to another person who is maybe about to have the rug pulled out from under them.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you’ll never, ever have enough.” –Oprah Winfrey.

Thank you for reading!

–Tammera

If you like this article then you may enjoy Dodging Tornados, an article demonstrating how dreams tell the truth of how we feel when our conscious self would rather wear a mask. Dreams are hidden gems that allow a glimpse into our psyche. If we pay attention, the dream can help us move beyond our fears and intimidations by exposing our unresolved needs.

Want to Read More. Click on the image below to read these true-to-life stories about extraordinary people in remarkable situations.

Dodging Tornados and a Giveaway!

by Tammera Mart | Jan 15, 2024 | Emotional Health, Media, Nature, Uncategorized

Dodging Tornados isn’t easy. Dreams tell the truth of how we feel when our conscious self would rather wear a mask.

Happy New Year!

I hope your New Year is off to a good start! Mine rolled in quietly but with anticipation. I’m ready to march forward and see what 2024 has to offer.

Between work and life, my writing efforts waned at the end of 2023. But I’m back with a Hidden Gems article demonstrating how dreams help us face our fears and a giveaway! Find out how you can get enough books to last the winter!

Dodging Tornados

I had a dream the other night that I was driving from point A to point B. As I neared my destination, a massive twister formed in the distance. I sped up, hoping it would pass behind me. Smaller tornados popped up around the car. I dodged the destructive winds and entered a town where tall apartment buildings rose into a dark sky. At each lit up window, people stood watching. (Apparently, they didn’t lose power or sense a need to seek shelter). I thought they had been gawking at the tornadoes until I realized all eyes were upon me. The lone vehicle on the road. A small bug forging through a chaotic war zone.

This past fall, they diagnosed me with Stage III Breast Cancer. At the moment, I’m fighting on the front lines, and I’ve felt more than a little vulnerable as doctors and technicians have poked, prodded, and tested every crevice of my body. My prognosis remains good, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little intimidated by the effects of chemo, surgery, and radiation.

We are all soldiers, facing individual battles that encompass an array of physical, mental, and emotional illnesses. Some fights are more intense than others, but no less significant in the story of our lives. Moving through these battles allows us to grow. The goal is to keep pushing forward with an expectancy that we will arrive at our destination better than we were.

Dreams tell the truth of how we feel when our conscious self would rather wear a mask. They are hidden gems that allow a glimpse into our psyche. If we pay attention, the dream can help us move beyond our fears and intimidations by exposing our unresolved needs.

It’s okay to feel vulnerable and scared. Talking to someone—acknowledging the emotions—can bring perspective. And this can help our psyche heal. Often, the dreams will subside. Just be honest. The psyche knows whether or not you’re telling the truth.

What storm are you facing today? Have you had any vivid dreams? Have you ever dreamed about tornadoes or that people are watching you?

If you’d like to read more about the symbolic meaning of tornado dreams, check out this article at Psych Central.

I also found interesting, this article on the symbolic meaning of being watched in dreams.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and should not be misconstrued as counseling or serve a substitute for counseling.

Giveaway!!

I’ve partnered with 25 other writers of mythological creatures and fairy tale stories to offer you mega free books! This New Year’s book extravaganza is sure to offer you plenty of winter reads. Just click on the image or button below to check it out!!

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May your New Year wishes come true, one day at a time. Find peace each day by thinking on what is good. The negative doesn’t deserve our time.

–Tammera

Eaten From the Inside Out

by Tammera Mart | Aug 30, 2023 | Emotional Health, Uncategorized

The Parasite of Bitterness

Bitterness is a parasite that eats you from the inside out. It’s the nastiest, most grotesque intruder that wants to burrow deep inside your brain and feast on your emotional pain.

The botfly is a great analogy. Are you familiar with this critter? The nasty little bug is particularly fond of warm blooded hosts in which they can lay their eggs.

However, the parasite of bitterness is far more damaging. You can’t swat it. You can’t kill it. You can’t pull it’s larvae from your skin with tweezers. If it is living inside of you, then you can be certain that every day, it’s sucking joy, peace, and purpose from your life.

When we are subjected to emotional pain, bitterness can take root deep in our psyche, entwining tendrils around memories. Later in life, when these memories are triggered, they bring with them an emotional weight that has the power to trip us up and disrupt our happiness.

Ever get ambushed by bitterness when you thought you had emotions under control? I recently came across a picture from my childhood where I was dressed in homemade clothes—the kind of clothes that fed bullies back in the 80’s. So many memories flooded my mind, each with an emotional weight rooted in bitterness. Unchecked, the eggs of bitterness can quickly hatch into starving larvae that feast on present emotional pain.

Understanding the Parasite

I continually tell myself: “Understand (or control) your present feelings and you starve the bitterness. Allow the feelings to go unchecked and bitterness will flourish.” This is easier said than done, but I’ve had a lot of practice over the years. When I’m tempted to hold a grudge or feel bitter, I remind myself:

Bitterness lives in me, not the person who wronged me.
Bitterness is unproductive and does not solve problems.
Bitterness hurts my favorite people.
Bitterness is ugly.
Bitterness blocks healing.
Resolving bitterness doesn’t mean I condone another person’s wrong-doing.

I have learned over the years as a counselor and experiencer of hardship, loss, and unfairness that no one can eradicate the bitterness inside me but me. Only I can do it. I have a choice to do something about it, or not. No one can force me. Likewise, I cannot force anyone else to exterminate their bitterness.

Eradicating Bitterness

But how do we eradicate bitterness once we realize what that pesky, destructive emotion eating us up is? How can we find the joy, peace and purpose available to us?

I researched and studied overcoming bitterness as part of the Hidden Truths theme. After the main character drives a wedge between herself and those she cares about, she is forced to face the truth. Bitterness is her problem. The only way to repair what she broke is to:

Admit that bitterness is her problem.
Give up the hope that she can change the past.
Stop expecting others to do what she wants.

Loving others is accepting them without expectation that they please you.

Overcome Bitterness, Emotional relief, happiness

Do you feel bitterness toward a family member, a coworker, a neighbor? Did someone wrong you? It may not seem fair that you’re left with the emotional baggage while they go on with life like nothing affects them. But bitterness only magnifies your hurt and gives the other person a control over you that they don’t even know exists. Why not try the strategies above and rid the pesky parasite of bitterness from your life?

Want to read more about overcoming bitterness?

The Practical Psych has a good article on recognizing and overcoming bitterness. Within the article are several links that lead to other articles that go deeper, tackling underlying elements of bitterness. You can access that article here. Disclaimer: Nothing within this article or website should constitute or take the place of counseling. I am a professional licensed social worker with over 30 years of experience, but I am not a therapist. Please seek professional help if you feel you need it.

Appalachian Mountains, red-shouldered hawk, Hidden Truths Design

If you’d like to read more about how Ellie Mae overcomes her bitter feelings to repair valuable relationships, click here to read the first three chapters of Hidden Truths. For a limited time, you can get an Advanced Reader copy here.

“Likable and curious characters take the reader on an adventure full of mystery and hidden truths. Relationships between the characters are relatable. The main character is astute, and readers will cheer for her to be successful in her quest.”

Book Life Prize Critic Report by Publisher’s Weekly