Eaten From the Inside Out

Eaten From the Inside Out

by | Aug 30, 2023 | Emotional Health, Uncategorized

The Parasite of Bitterness

Bitterness is a parasite that eats you from the inside out. It’s the nastiest, most grotesque intruder that wants to burrow deep inside your brain and feast on your emotional pain.

The botfly is a great analogy. Are you familiar with this critter? The nasty little bug is particularly fond of warm blooded hosts in which they can lay their eggs.

Botfly, dangerous insect, parasite
bot fly, parasite, larvae

However, the parasite of bitterness is far more damaging. You can’t swat it. You can’t kill it. You can’t pull it’s larvae from your skin with tweezers. If it is living inside of you, then you can be certain that every day, it’s sucking joy, peace, and purpose from your life.

When we are subjected to emotional pain, bitterness can take root deep in our psyche, entwining tendrils around memories. Later in life, when these memories are triggered, they bring with them an emotional weight that has the power to trip us up and disrupt our happiness.

Ever get ambushed by bitterness when you thought you had emotions under control? I recently came across a picture from my childhood where I was dressed in homemade clothes—the kind of clothes that fed bullies back in the 80’s. So many memories flooded my mind, each with an emotional weight rooted in bitterness. Unchecked, the eggs of bitterness can quickly hatch into starving larvae that feast on present emotional pain.

Understanding the Parasite

I continually tell myself: “Understand (or control) your present feelings and you starve the bitterness. Allow the feelings to go unchecked and bitterness will flourish.” This is easier said than done, but I’ve had a lot of practice over the years. When I’m tempted to hold a grudge or feel bitter, I remind myself:

  • Bitterness lives in me, not the person who wronged me.
  • Bitterness is unproductive and does not solve problems.
  • Bitterness hurts my favorite people.
  • Bitterness is ugly.
  • Bitterness blocks healing.
  • Resolving bitterness doesn’t mean I condone another person’s wrong-doing.
recognizing bitterness, banner

I have learned over the years as a counselor and experiencer of hardship, loss, and unfairness that no one can eradicate the bitterness inside me but me. Only I can do it. I have a choice to do something about it, or not. No one can force me. Likewise, I cannot force anyone else to exterminate their bitterness.

Eradicating Bitterness

But how do we eradicate bitterness once we realize what that pesky, destructive emotion eating us up is? How can we find the joy, peace and purpose available to us?

I researched and studied overcoming bitterness as part of the Hidden Truths theme. After the main character drives a wedge between herself and those she cares about, she is forced to face the truth. Bitterness is her problem. The only way to repair what she broke is to:

  1. Admit that bitterness is her problem.
  2. Give up the hope that she can change the past.
  3. Stop expecting others to do what she wants.

Loving others is accepting them without expectation that they please you.

Overcome Bitterness, Emotional relief, happiness

Do you feel bitterness toward a family member, a coworker, a neighbor? Did someone wrong you? It may not seem fair that you’re left with the emotional baggage while they go on with life like nothing affects them. But bitterness only magnifies your hurt and gives the other person a control over you that they don’t even know exists. Why not try the strategies above and rid the pesky parasite of bitterness from your life?

Want to read more about overcoming bitterness?

The Practical Psych has a good article on recognizing and overcoming bitterness. Within the article are several links that lead to other articles that go deeper, tackling underlying elements of bitterness. You can access that article here. Disclaimer: Nothing within this article or website should constitute or take the place of counseling. I am a professional licensed social worker with over 30 years of experience, but I am not a therapist. Please seek professional help if you feel you need it.

Appalachian Mountains, red-shouldered hawk, Hidden Truths Design

If you’d like to read more about how Ellie Mae overcomes her bitter feelings to repair valuable relationships, click here to read the first three chapters of Hidden Truths. For a limited time, you can get an Advanced Reader copy here.  

“Likable and curious characters take the reader on an adventure full of mystery and hidden truths. Relationships between the characters are relatable. The main character is astute, and readers will cheer for her to be successful in her quest.” 

Book Life Prize Critic Report by Publisher’s Weekly

Thank you for reading!

–Tammera

Hidden Truths Book Cover and Release Date!

Hidden Truths Book Cover and Release Date!

by | Aug 2, 2023 | Book Releases, Hidden Truths, Uncategorized

Hidden Truths finally has a book cover and release date!

This book has been six years in the making! I first wrote Hidden Truths as a short story for my daughter about seven years ago. She was living in China over her nineteenth birthday. Knowing the boxed gift I sent might never reach her, I also wrote a short story featuring her favorite cryptid.

The story was about a girl who tracked Bigfoot to redeem her mom’s character. I modeled Ellie Mae slightly after my daughter and Jake after her boyfriend. I created Ellie Mae with an intense need to protect her mom’s integrity—to stand up for her while her dad turned a blind eye. But I also created Ellie with bitterness and vulnerability because this story is really about Ellie’s relationship with her dad and her desperate need to fix what had broken.

The Past

Two months after her birthday, my daughter moved home from China and a few months after that, we were on a road trip through Kentucky and Tennessee to deliver furniture to my son. The interstate was closed due to a rock slide, so we veered off the beaten path and wound our way through country side, impressed by the beauty of the hills, valleys, gorges, and wildlife. We began reminiscing about her story and the what ifs of a large, monstrous creature living in the most obscure areas in the Appalachians.

Fun, road trip conversation!

My daughter’s short story suddenly morphed into something much deeper and richer. Honestly, the short story was never enough room for Ellie Mae to tell her story anyways.

I panstered a lot of the novel, so that led me down a number of rabbit holes. However, diverging from the main plot offered insight and backstory. I don’t regret it one bit, but it took me longer to create a cohesive story. This past spring, with finished project in tow, I joined Thomas Umstadtt’s Book Launch Blueprint course. Taking on all the roles of a publishing house was a bit intimidating, but who doesn’t love a good challenge!

At the same time, I found an editor through ACFW’s list of editors and a cover designer through Reedsy. I thoroughly enjoyed working with these professionals and the creative control. Especially with the cover design. What do you think? Lynn Andreozzi did a fabulous job!

 

Appalachian Mountains, red-shouldered hawk, Hidden Truths Design

Imagine an eighteen-year-old tromping through these forests searching for answers surrounding her mom’s death. She encounters the monster from her childhood, only not in the way you might think. And how about that hawk, soaring and symbolic of a promise. 

The Present

 Hidden Truths is scheduled to release October 15, 2023!

I’m busy working on an audiobook and some other fun stuff.

October is Raptor Month!! Raptors include falcons, vultures, eagles, hawks, condors, owls, kestrels, kites. You meet a few different raptors in this story. Ellie’s dad is a vet who specializes in wild birds.

If you would like to join me in raising funds to help a raptor rescue, consider purchasing Hidden Truths during the month of October. The greater the book’s success, the more funds we can raise.  Consider joining my newsletter and watch for a special post on raptors.

Another way to help or enjoy the story is to request an Advanced Reader/Review Copy. All I ask for in return is an honest review Amazon or Goodreads. This will help ensure the book’s success at launch. You can get your copy here. Last day to request will be October 14, 2023, and there are a limited number of copies, so be sure to snatch one up.

 

What current readers are saying:

 “This. Is. So. Good.” –Denise, an avid reader.

“This is so cozy and I love the way you describe your characters. Very compelling.” –Mel Cabre, creature designer.

Until the Book Releases, Enjoy The Art of Peacekeeping: Jake’s Story

A Hidden Truths Prequel

The Art of Peacekeeping: Jake's Story by Tammera Mart

What do you do when your best isn’t good enough? When you’re the target of someone else’s pain? When Jake Harris’s mom crosses the line and hurts not only him but one of his favorite people, he prepares to walk away. But how can he leave his siblings and the only life he’s known? How will he get past his abusive mother without making things worse?

The Art of Peacekeeping is an emotional coming of age story that touches on the devasting effects of abuse and the fear in making difficult decisions. 

Get it free when you sign up for the email list. Also get the first 3 chapters of Hidden Truths.

The Future

Coming Soon!

Abandoned Legacy: A Living Lore Novel

Jersey Devil, Pine Barrens Story, Tammera Mart, Mel Cabre

Curse or Fate. Both require sacrifice.

What do you do when the man who gave you away pulls you into a world of mysterious legends and curses to clean up the mess he left behind?
Eighteen-year-old and Berkeley-bound Andrew Pearson wishes he could run. But with parents bent on using real experiences to teach life lessons, he finds himself on a plane to the New Jersey Pine Barrens with one goal in mind: sell the creepy, three-hundred-year-old manor and return to civilization as soon as possible.

But Legacy Manor is different than Andrew expects. So are the people who manage its B&B, including Haley, their free-spirited daughter who is determined to save her home and help Andrew understand his unique family history. When a grandpa he never knew reveals a curse that will use Haley as a pawn, Andrew is forced to choose between his future and hers.

As a plot to destroy a creature who calls Legacy Manor home unravels, Andrew makes a life altering decision—one that will not only challenge his views on life and love, but will explain a centuries-old connection between his family and the local legend of the Jersey Devil.

How to Make Stress a Superpower

How to Make Stress a Superpower

by | Apr 29, 2023 | Stress, Uncategorized

How to Make Stress a Superpower

We don’t think about stress as any kind of super. But today, I want to offer you some encouraging words.

Did you know…

When a piano is in tune, it’s under about 40,000 lbs. of string tension?

That’s a lot of tension!

No big deal if you’re an inanimate object.

But does it ever feel like making life work requires you live under enormous amounts strain?

Physical and/or emotional tension is called stress.

Stress is a Hidden Gem

The good news–the hidden gem–is that God knew what he was doing when he created hormones. These chemical messengers allow us to adapt and cope as needed.

Feeling tense during challenging times is normal. The stress is a superpower, enabling us to accomplish great feats.

Sometimes, the tension can hurt, so here are few practical tips to help in the moment:

  1. Deep Breaths. When breathing in, remind yourself you are in control. On the exhale, remind yourself stress is not the boss of you. Do this until you believe it.
  2. Give stress a name. Fear of ____. Be precise. Call it what it is.
  3. Talk to someone about that fear. Don’t be shy. They have fears too.
  4. Talk to God. He already knows what you’re feeling and is waiting with open arms to comfort you. Picture what that looks like.
  5. Walk and walk and walk. Burn off that stress. Stomp it out of your feet as you go, picture the stress leaving your body.
  6. Cry. This is an incredible tool for releasing tension. You can just be with someone when they cry. No words are necessary. As Ellie Mae’s grandma says in Hidden Truths: “Tears cleanse emotional wounds and speak to God when we can’t find words to explain how we feel.”

Stress in Action

Walking through trying times, we write a composition of life that reveals what skills we used to master the tension. We can’t prevent stress, but we can use it to benefit others.

Did you know, there are several free short stories on this website that show extraordinary people overcoming obstacles during stressful times? A woman gives birth in the aftermath of 9/11 in NYC, a soldier finds himself surrounded by enemy gunfire in WWII,  a mother’s nightmare is realized when her child goes missing. All previously published, some have even won awards. Click on the image below or navigate here to see more.

I’m Listening…

What challenge, good or bad, are you facing today? You can post in the comments or email me directly at tammeramart@tammeramart.com. I read every email. Your journey matters to me and those around you–whether they realize it or not!

“Experience is a great teacher, but other people’s experiences are the best teacher.” A mash-up of quotes from Andy Andrews, Paul Smith, David Letterman, John Legend, etc., etc.

–Tammera

Hidden Truths About Secrets and Lies

Hidden Truths About Secrets and Lies

by | Apr 14, 2023 | Hidden Truths, Secrets and Lies, Uncategorized

Hidden Truths About Secrets and Lies

Hidden truths are gems of wisdom buried in each of our lives. Undiscovered, these gems stay hidden beneath the shrubbery of secrets, half-truths, and lies whose seeds we acquired in the trenches of life. Once we unearth the gem—the hidden truth—we hold the power to help ourselves and others in the same situation. But we can never find our gems if we don’t first talk about secrets and lies.

Disclaimer: I have worked as a grief counselor and licensed social worker for many years, and I’ve experienced an inordinate amount of loss, but I am not a therapist. Any advice in this blog post should not be construed as counseling. If you or a loved one find it difficult to navigate any aspect of life, please seek professional help.

Secrets vs. Lies

Have you ever been in a room where someone cups the ear of another person and whispers words you cannot hear? Have you ever took part in this deliberate secret-keeping measure? I find those moments equal parts intriguing and disconcerting. What is so important that it must be talked about at that moment? And is it about me?

Keeping a secret is the intentional act of withholding information. Good, bad, or indifferent, a secret is something we don’t want others to know. Secrets are often lies, but not always. The intention behind a secret can be many things—protection, surprise, anticipation, privacy, shame, distrust, fear. Secrets differ from lies because they don’t always involve deception.

Lies, on the other hand, are the willful act of deception.

We keep secrets and tell lies. Picture yourself holding a basketball. Now mentally pass it. You pass a lie and invite others to play. Now imagine you’re hugging the ball. You don’t want to pass it. A secret prefers to play alone. Secrets and lies are born together, cohorts in the art of deception, but they are different. Lies and secrets can, and often do, act independently from one another—a surprise birthday party, an award ceremony, a gender-reveal. Secrets are not always lies, but lies always include a secret—the truth.

How Lies and Secrets Differ

Lies and Secrets:

  • keep information from others
  • may involve deception and shame
  • may cause harm
  • can be long or short term
  • potentially lower self esteem
  • may be underlined with good intention

Differences Between Lies and Secrets:

  • A lie hides its identity while a secret hides is presence
  • A lie harbors shame while a secret feeds shame
  • Secrets are not always deception, but a lie is
  • A lie can be based in fact or opinion, i.e, “I like your shoes” (but not really)
  • Secrets demand isolation. Lies involve others
  • Lies are public as they allow for pretense
  • Intention behind secrets may not be self-serving. Lies are typically self-serving

Unravel the secret. Discover the Truth

Lying is a symptom of a deeper problem

In my novel, Hidden Truths, Ellie Mae’s dad says her mom died when she stumbled over a cliff. Ellie doesn’t believe him because her mom doesn’t stumble, nor was her dad there. He also lies when mysterious tracks appear on their neighbor’s land. His lack of honesty makes her feel less than enough. As she prepares to go off to college, she contemplates never returning.

Ellie Mae’s dad believes he is doing the right thing, but lies destroy trust. And trust is the glue that holds relationships together.

7 Truths About Lies: The physiological, mental, and emotional effects of lying.

As Ellie Mae unravels secrets, the past blows wide open and causes a lot of hurt. But what is hidden cannot be fixed.

Wish I could say I didn’t know this firsthand. Being lied to is one of life’s greatest hurts. Betrayal leaves a person feeling devalued. If you are that person, don’t buy into the lie that you aren’t worthy. You are valuable. You are more than what the lie wants you to believe.

7 Truths About Lies: The physiological, mental, and emotional effects of lying.

Search For the Hidden Truth

Lying is an unfortunate part of our culture, but it doesn’t have to be a part of our individual lives. Exposing secrets and lies can hurt, but the burden lifted from our shoulders gives renewed strength to cope when we fall into the trenches of life. As we climb out and leave behind the tempting seeds of secrecy, we learn how to help ourselves and those struggling with the same issues.

What secret is holding you back today? Can you share it with someone? What will it mean to face the truth? If you have no one to talk with, I invite you to email with your burden. I read all emails. Give your fear voice and know you have what it takes to overcome. Above all, search for the hidden truth because that is where freedom lives.

7 Truths About Lies Free Download

Lies and secrets can be destructive. If you’d like to read more about the devastating effects of lies, as well as tips on how to avoid the deceptive snare of lying, you can download 7 Truths About Lies here for free. Also free for download is a short-story prequel to Hidden Truths called The Art of Peacekeeping: Jake’s story. His family is keeping a major secret and Jake can’t take it anymore. It might be time to walk away. You can read more about this free download here.

Thank you for reading and remember:

“In the long run, the most unpleasant truth is a better companion than the most pleasant falsehood.”

–Theodore Roosevelt (2016) “Theodore Roosevelt’s Words of Wit and Wisdom”, p.16, Chartwell.